When I look back now, I realize exactly where I stood. Pretty much between the devil and the deep blue sea. Getting away wasn’t easy. Making the choice broke me. But I did it anyway.
It was the winter of my tenth standard. Cold winds blew all the time. It was a time for Christmas and cheer and snuggling up inside the blankets with friends, gossiping through the night, it was a time for fun. But not for me. For me it was the time to get away from myself. It started when I was still in the hostel. I had woken up to a normal day, clueless about how things were about to change. I had decided to skip classes that day, wanting to sleep in, so by the time I woke up it was midday. The sun was peeping through the window. I sat for a long time on the bed, gazing out the window, looking at the school grounds and the people. My shadow sat and watched with me. After a long time I got out of the bed and stretched. My shadow didn’t move. It stayed where it was. Sitting and staring. I was shaken. I rubbed my eyes and tried clearing my head but when I looked back my shadow was still seated. I thought I was just imagining things, so I walked away. I freshened up and went for the second half of my classes. As I was crossing the hallways, I noticed my shadow was walking beside me. But just before I was about to enter the class it stopped and stayed pasted to the ground, away from me. It was really starting to scare me. I went through the rest of the day in a daze. When I went back to my dorm in the evening I noticed my shadow sitting exactly where it was in the morning. I went up to my shadow and tried to feel it. Nothing. I tried to feel around me to see if there might be somebody. No one. I ran from the dorm all the way to my friends standing in the hallways. I grabbed my best friend and pulled her to the dorm to show her my shadow. When I got there, I pointed at my shadow and tried to make Stefanie see what was wrong. All she did was blink and look at me like I was mad. Stefanie went back to join the rest of our friends and I sat down in despair. That’s when I noticed the shadow turn sideward towards me and I could see a smile creep in at the corner of the mouth. It wasn’t my shadow. It was me. The other me, the darker me. Waiting for me to give in to myself again. It was so tempting. The freedom of going rogue. I felt my smile reflect the shadows. But no! I couldn’t let it happen. Not now. Not ever. I knew what I had to do. I covered my ears with my hands and I screamed till I could scream no more. And then I fell back on my bed.
I woke up in the hospital. I could hear my mom sobbing and my dad talking to the doctor. They were confused. They thought it was supressed. They could not
lose their daughter to her multi-personality disorder once more. It had nearly killed her the last time. But little did they know, they didn’t lose her this time. She had fought back and she had won. She knew it would come back again to try and suck her back into the dark but she knew she could fight back. She knew she could win.
I smiled wide to myself and drifted back to sleep.
